I am not a psychopath. I cannot be simply labeled and that is my burden. Nobody ever saw a reason to label me, to send me to a psychologist for an assessment. I do not have a problem. I have condition that I am unable to name. Personality with psychopathic traits is the closest thing I could find after doing some research. In short - I am different.
I feel no remorse, shame, embarrassment. I can lie and I can do it very well. I had to learn how to. When I was a kid my older sister was always able to tell when I was lying. Not anymore. It takes a skill. I'm proud of that one.
I think I do feel empathy. I can always tell when people are sad, happy, when they are hurt by something that was said. I am not socially clueless. I am, however, socially awkward. I do have some sort of personality disorder - I am not a psychopath as I do not fit all the criteria. What am I?
I am a sexual sadist. This is my only addiction. I do not smoke, I do not drink and I have never taken drugs. I just want to force women to climax - over and over till they break. I think it is beautiful. I will not write a lot about it right now - not until I can prove to myself that sharing this will actually benefit me in any way - I will say that I have not acted on those compulsions in a real way. I managed to stop on roleplay - because of consequences that I would not like to face if I got caught. I am sure that many people share my fascination with rape - nobody will admit it in person. It is not socially acceptable. God bless the internet.
I am an atheist - I like when things are logical. Religion has no meaning for me at all - but I had to build up to that, reach the age of reason. Does that mean I developed my pragmatism and the core of my personality changed? I used to have massive spiritual needs - looking for supernatural everywhere. Not anymore, it is a waste of time.
Did I ever think of killing a person? Yes, I am and always have been a serial killer wannabe. I have my own ritual in my head, I would take trophies and it would be very sexual. Initial spark was not in my early childhood - which was average.
Apart from alcoholic father (no violence or any kind of abuse) - I had a perfectly normal childhood. Well, at least I thought as much till now. I began to realize small differences. People keep in touch with their friends. I do not. I do not feel the need. I do not even keep in touch with my parents unless I am prompted. I cannot hold any kind of relationship.
If it comes to romantic relationships - I do not think I am capable of love. Most of my life I thought I am a very loving and caring person. Now I began to realize that I am not in love with anybody. I get obsessed and very possessive, jealous. This is clearly stronger than me and my consciousness - because on conscious level I am aware that there is nothing to be jealous about.
I think I listed some key factors that describe me, honestly. I could never admit half of those things to myself - I was trying to be either normal or complete psychopath - but it does not work that way.
So.. what am I?
